What Really Happens
by penguingirl266
Summary: What really happens in Harry Potter's world that J.K. Rowling doesn't write about? Basically making fun of GinnySnape shippers. Features HermioneDumbledore, Ron doing the Macarena, and Harry frozen to the spot! Well, what next? Please R&R! PG to be safe.
1. Not What You'd Expect

A/N: I DO NOT SHIP GINNY/SNAPE. Actually, I think that ship is rather sick. This story kinda proves my point. If you truly believe Ginny and Snape should get together (God knows why you would) don't be offended by this story! This story is the result of too much sugar; once again (lol).This is a one-shot, unless I get a ton of good reviews asking for another chapter. Enjoy! And review!  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling writing fanfic??? I don't think so.  
  
- - - - - - -   
  
In literature, as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. Andre Maurois  
  
- - - - - - -   
  
WHAT REALLY HAPPENS  
  
Ginny had just finished her last class of the day, Transfiguration, and was now hurrying along the corridor to the Great Hall, because that's where the food was, and she was hungry. However, her plans were soon changed. Snape came bolting up from the dungeons, red-faced and panting. He grabbed Ginny and pinned her to the wall.  
  
"Professor, what-"  
  
"Ginny! I was in my office when I discovered that, no matter how much I berate you and Gryffindor, I am madly in love with you, although I am 34 years your senior." And with that, he kissed her deeply.  
  
"Professor!" He stopped kissing her. "Actually, Professor, I have just realized, although I have hated you for the past 5 books, I am also deeply in love with you. Forget all the stuff J.K. Rowling wrote about Gryffindors hating Snape. She should have something better to do with her time!" They resumed kissing, which turned to very passionate kissing. The students heading to dinner stared, but Ginny and Snape took no notice.  
  
"Ginny, will you marry me?" said Snape, giving her a ring with a diamond the size of a baseball.  
  
"Sure! How about tomorrow?" They resumed kissing. Then who should happen upon them but Harry, Ron, and Hermione! (Figures! says the reader. They always show up!)  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GINNY???" screamed Ron, throwing himself at the couple and sending himself, Snape, and Ginny crashing to the floor. Harry just stared.  
  
"But..." whispered Hermione, her eyes filling with tears. "I...I thought we were going out, Severus!"  
  
"We broke up, Hermione," said Snape sheepishly, getting up off the floor. "I'm way too old for you, anyway. You should marry Ron, J. K. Rowling has been hinting around about it long enough as it is."  
  
"Nooooooo!!!!" cried Hermione. "Ron is too obvious! We need to shock the world!"  
  
"I'll go out with you, Hermione," came a deep voice. They all turned and stared—Professor Dumbledore!  
  
"Ok!" said Hermione happily, and she bounced off to join him on their first date.  
  
"Hey...what about me?" said Ron pouting.  
  
"Well, I'm always available, Mudblood Lover." Enter Bellatrix  
Lestrange.  
  
"Will you buy me a pony?" said Ron.  
  
"Certainly, Mudblood Lover—if you will hand over Harry Potter to the  
Dark Lord."  
  
"Well, ok then," replied Ron, grinning. "Anything for a pony!"  
  
"Let's go then," laughed Bellatrix. "First to the Dark Lord's hideout  
to drop off Potter, then to the pet shop."  
  
"Yippee!" cried Ron, doing the Macarena. "I've always wanted a pony!"  
  
Bellatrix grabbed Harry, who was still frozen in shock from when he  
had seen Ginny and Snape, and dragged him out the door, with Ron  
skipping after her.  
  
"Farewell, dear brother," called Ginny, before Snape grabbed her again  
and kissed her soundly.  
  
- - - - -   
  
I laughed SO MUCH while I was writing this, and I hope you did too!  
  
Please, please, PLEASE review and maybe I'll post a second chapter! 


	2. To the Pet Shop!

A/N: Hooray! I got all my projects for school done! That means I have more time to write! (cheers). I've hit a snag on "It's a Slytherin Life" and will have to rewrite the whole chapter... (sighs). Yes yes, I know, I need to get that done, and I'm getting it ready. Anyway, I'm taking a little break from rewriting to write Chapter 2! I got a few reviews asking for another chapter, and I like writing this story so much, I decided that I would grant their requests! So enjoy! Please review! :)  
  
CHAPTER 2  
  
TO THE PET SHOP!  
  
It was a strange sight to behold: Bellatrix Lestrange dragging a frozen Harry Potter across the Hogwarts grounds, with Ron skipping after her, singing "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..."  
  
"AAAAAARGHHHH!!!!!" cried Bellatrix just as they left the grounds. "Would you PLEASE SHUT UP???"  
  
Ron's lower lip trembled. "But I...I like that song Bellatrix!"  
  
"Where did you get that bloody song anyway?" she snarled as she set up an unauthorized Portkey.  
  
"Well...an American show called Barney! It's the most awesome show on Earth! There's another song I like on that show..." Ron threw his head back and began to sing again. "Barney is a dinosaur; he comes from 'magination..."  
  
Bellatrix muttered something that sounded like, "...bloody Americans..." as she finished setting up the Port Key.  
  
Ron stopped singing abruptly. "Hey, when am I gonna get my pony? I want my pony!" he demanded.  
  
Bellatrix cursed under her breath. "We will get your pony as soon as we drop Harry Potter off with Lord Voldemort." She grinned evilly as she said this.  
  
"Can't we get the pony NOW???" Ron whined.  
  
"NO! First we must drop Harry Potter off with Voldemort! THEN we can get your pony! Now, grab onto this Portkey..."  
  
Ron cluelessly grabbed the rock that had been set up as a Portkey. Bellatrix grabbed Harry and clutched the Portkey, and all three were whisked through the air to Lord Voldemort's hideout.  
  
They landed in what appeared to be the library of an old house, its windows covered in vines of different lengths. Lord Voldemort was sitting in an armchair, reading "Taking Over the World for Dummies". He grinned and stood up when Bellatrix, Harry, and Ron arrived.  
  
"Ah," he hissed evilly, "my old servant Bellatrix! Nice work."  
  
"Thank you master," smirked Bellatrix, bowing. "I will leave you here to deal with Potter. Meanwhile, I have promised to take Mudblood Lover here to the pet shop for a horse."  
  
Ron, who had been quietly singing "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider" the entire time, now glared at Bellatrix. "No!" he cried. "Don't try and cheat me! I said I wanted a PONY, not a HORSE!!!! GET ME A PONY!!!!!!" He began screaming hysterically and throwing a temper tantrum.  
  
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! A PONY! WE WILL GET YOU A PONY!" screamed Bellatrix, covering her ears.  
  
"Oh, ok!" said Ron brightly, jumping up and grinning angelically.  
  
Ron's fit seemed to have finally woken up Harry. He stirred, and blinked. "Where am I?" he yawned. Then his emerald eyes grew wide, and he sat up and screamed.  
  
"HELP! THE DERANGED WEASELS! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" screamed Harry.  
  
Then he went back to normal. He looked up, and saw Lord Voldemort grinning evilly over him.  
  
"LORD VOLDEMORT!!!" he screamed. "Ron, help me get out of here!"  
  
"Sorry, Harry, but first Bellatrix is going to take me to the pet shop for a pony!" cried Ron happily. "Hey, maybe she'll get you one too! After the Dark Lord finishes with you, of course."  
  
"That's right," laughed Bellatrix. "Come on, Mudblood Lover, to the pet shop!" And with a wave of her wand, she and Ron disappeared, with Ron waving and saying, "Goodbye Harry! Have a nice time!"  
  
- - - -   
  
"Can't you just PICK one?" snarled Bellatrix three hours later.  
  
They were in the pet shop, where Ron had insisted upon inspecting every single pony in the store from top to bottom. Bellatrix, who never had much patience anyway, was ready to explode.  
  
"Nope," replied Ron happily. "Every pony has to be Weasley-certified, grade-A before I can pick one. It's in the rulebook."  
  
Bellatrix barely managed to keep steam from billowing out her ears.  
  
"Hmmmmmm..." Ron had stopped at the next pony and was now analyzing it. "A light chestnut mare with two dark brown spots on his belly..." he made several notes on his notepad that he conveniently happened to have with him.  
  
In the next two hours, Ron inspected every pony in the store, while Bellatrix amused herself by thinking about the different ways Lord Voldemort could possibly be torturing Harry Potter.  
  
Finally Ron announced, "Okay, every pony is Weasley-certified and grade-A! Now I must pick one." Finally, thought Bellatrix.  
  
"Hmmmmmmmm...I'll take...THAT one!" Ron cried, pointing to the chestnut mare. Bellatrix sighed with relief and paid the man up front, who had been eyeing them angrily for a while now. The salespeople cheered and applauded as Ron rode his pony out of the store, with Bellatrix following closely behind.  
  
"Now what?" said Ron, beaming.  
  
"What do you mean, NOW WHAT?" screamed Bellatrix. "I will take you back to the castle, and then I will go home! That's now what!"  
  
"It's too late to get dinner up at the castle," said Ron, his lower lip trembling. "I...I was hoping you would take me to Hogsmeade for dinner."  
  
Bellatrix glared at her watch. It was true, the time was nine o'clock, and it was far too late for Ron to get anything at Hogwarts."  
  
"Oh, all right then," she snapped. "Let's go." She swept down the path, Ron right behind her on his pony, crying, "Highho, Silver! AWAY!"  
  
- - - -   
  
What will happen next to our brave friends?  
  
What did Hermione and Dumbledore do on their first date?  
  
What happened to Harry?  
  
How much did Snape pay for Ginny's ring?  
  
And WHAT WILL RON NAME HIS PONY???  
  
Find out in Chapter Three of "What Really Happens", coming to a webpage  
near you!  
  
- - - - Lol, that's my humor for you. That didn't turn out as funny as I was hoping, but hey, to each his own (shrugs).  
  
Please review! Yay for reviews! 


	3. Call me Victor

A/N: I'm almost done Chapter 4 of "It's a Slytherin Life", but I couldn't resist writing this chapter! I want to thank my sister for giving me the main idea for this chapter—I never would have come up with it, I can tell you that. I would also like to thank my friend prettypink for Harry's speech...(wink wink).  
  
Enjoy my craziness! Don't forget to check my main page for updates all through the summer, as I am officially out of school now! :)  
  
- - - -   
  
While Bellatrix and Ron were getting Ron's pony, some very interesting things were going on at Voldemort's hideout...  
  
CHAPTER 3  
  
CALL ME VICTOR  
  
And with a wave of Bellatrix's wand, she and Ron disappeared, with Ron waving and saying, "Goodbye Harry! Have a nice time!"  
  
"Goodbye! Goodbye!" called Voldemort, wiping tears from his eyes. He turned to Harry. "Boy, I sure am going to miss them!" Harry just stared.  
  
Voldie checked himself. "Where were we?" He checked his script. "Ah, yes. I was just about to kill you and take over the universe. Ok, it's time to get back on track." He put his script away. "POTTER!" he screeched. "I shall kill you and take over the universe! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Any last words, Potter?" Voldie smirked, holding out his wand.  
  
"Well, actually, yes. I would like to make a little speech before I go," replied Harry.  
  
"Well, ok! I always liked speeches, so go ahead." Voldemort conjured an armchair out of thin air and sat down. Harry stood up and addressed him.  
  
"Four score and seven years ago...oops, sorry, wrong speech...we will not let Iraq continue to bring us down...oh, I think the American President Bush slipped that in there, sorry...ah, here it is." Harry cleared his throat and began.  
  
"I was born in a trashcan on 15th Street Avenue..."  
  
For the next two hours, Voldemort was enthralled. He cheered, laughed, and cried at all the right places, and Harry was very pleased. He finally finished his speech with the closing line, "And I will make sure that evil mutant llamas never take over the world."  
  
"Bravo! Bravo!" cried Voldemort, throwing roses. "The most brilliant speech I have ever heard!"  
  
"Thanks!" said Harry, grinning. "Um, will you let me go free now?"  
  
"Nope. Sorry," said Voldie, taking out his wand again. "This is my evil duty to the world!" He laughed evilly. Harry cringed, preparing for Avada Kedavra.  
  
"Avada Kedav—"Voldemort stopped. Something was happening. He felt strange. He felt sick. He felt—NICE!!!  
  
Harry kept waiting, his eyes squeezed shut. Why had Voldemort stopped? Wasn't he going to kill Harry? Harry finally dared to look up.  
  
Voldemort was grinning from ear to ear. GRINNING! Harry was speechless. Voldie helped Harry to his feet, still grinning.  
  
"Voldemort, what—"Harry began.  
  
Voldie spoke in a voice that was unusually cheerful. "Please, Harry, call me Victor! Voldemort sounds so...sinister and evil!" Voldemort shuddered. Then he smiled again. "But never mind, my good friend Harry!"  
  
Harry was shocked. "But—but—you wanted to kill me!" Harry stuttered.  
  
"Nonsense, my dear boy!" cried Voldemort. "Of course, I was evil before. But then, just as I was about to kill you, I had a moment of revelation!" he exclaimed dramatically. "I wondered why I was so evil when I could be NICE, instead! So now my name is Victor, and I hope to make a new life for myself as...THE NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!!!"  
  
Harry froze in shock, just as he had in the castle.  
  
"Um...Harry?" called Voldemort. "Harry?" He made several futile attempts to wake Harry up, but Harry stayed frozen.  
  
"Oh well." Voldie shrugged. "I'll come back later to see if he's better. Meanwhile, I'll go have dinner in Hogsmeade! Yay!"  
  
And Voldemort—now Victor—skipped down the hill towards Hogsmeade, singing, "She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes..."  
  
- - - -   
  
Yay! More zaniness! (Or maybe I've had too much sugar again) Anyway, next chapter you will find out what Hermione and Dumbledore did on their first date, but you might have to wait a while for that chapter. I am getting ready to post Chapter 4 of "It's a Slytherin Life" (yes! I hear my fans cheers) and then I'm working on a longer original fiction at this . I encourage you to go there; some of my best work is on there :)  
  
Please review! Reviews make me so very happy!  
  
P.S. From here on out, Voldemort will be referred to as Victor a lot of the time, so don't get confused ;) 


	4. The First Date

A/N: Sorry this took so long to update everyone. I was really stuck for ideas for a while, but I finally had one, and I wrote up this chapter. Thanks for all the suggestions, they made me laugh. Hope this chapter makes you laugh, too!

While Voldemort was realizing his true nice self, what were Hermione and Dumbledore doing on their first date? Find out in...

CHAPTER FOUR

THE FIRST DATE

Hermione and Dumbledore skipped (A/N: Don't you just love to skip?) to the gates out of Hogwarts, where they stopped abruptly.

"So, Hermione," said Dumbledore, stroking his long white beard, "what would you like to do on our first date?" He was secretly hoping they could go to Hogsmeade and talk over intellectual subjects that made no sense to anybody else.

"Um, well..." A small glimmer of fun gleamed in Hermione's eye. "Well, I was thinking that we could...well, you know..."

Dumbledore's heart leaped. Did she actually mean what he thought she meant?

"Hermione?" said Dumbledore gently. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Hermione looked up into his deep blue eyes and knew that they both had the same idea. Laughing, they took each other's hands and skipped to the place both had dreamed about their whole lives.

"Isn't this _wonderful_?" Hermione sighed.

Hermione and Dumbledore were in Coupon World, where they had been clipping coupons for the past four hours. They could think of nothing more wonderful to do for their first date.

"I've dreamed of this place ever since I was a child," replied Dumbledore, putting aside a coupon for the Three Broomsticks. "What a wonderful way to spend our first date, Hermione!"

Hermione cut out four more coupons, and then checked her watch. "Oh my gosh, it's nine o' clock already!" she cried. "My, time flies when you're clipping coupons!"

"It certainly does," replied Dumbledore. "I'll take you out to dinner as a treat, Hermione."

"Thanks!" said Hermione, stuffing her purse with coupons. "Where should we go?"

"Well, I've clipped twenty coupons for the Three Broomsticks, so let's go there." Dumbledore stuffed his coupons in his beard, which was convenient for storing things, and they left Coupon World arm in arm.

"Dumbledore, I want to thank you," said Hermione quietly as they strolled down the dusky Hogsmeade road. "Whenever I hang out with Harry and Ron, I always have to be intellectual. They would be shocked if I didn't appear with a book under my nose. It would mentally disturb them. However, when I'm with you, I can have fun being...non-intellectual!"

"I feel the same way," said Dumbledore. "Why, I would never dream of clipping coupons with Minerva McGonagall, even though I've been secretly engaged to her for 37 years!"

"Professor McGonagall _is_ rather stuffy," said Hermione. "But we won't let your engagement get in the way of our relationship, will we, Albie?"

"Certainly not," said Dumbledore proudly.

They walked in silence for a minute or two more, then Hermione said, rather hesitantly, "Albie, if you don't mind me asking, how come you never got married after being engaged for so long?"

"I have marriage phobia," said Dumbledore gloomily.

"But aren't you eventually going to marry _me_?" pleaded Hermione.

"Certainly I'll marry you, Hermione! Anyway, here's the Three Broomsticks." The wooden door to the pub opened, and Hermione and Dumbledore disappeared behind it.

UP NEXT TIME...

What happens when everyone meets in the Three Broomsticks? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER FIVE OF "WHAT REALLY HAPPENS"!!!!!

Some key words coming up:

Double wedding...deranged weasels...Gertie...Mr. Gibson...muffins

See ya next time!

Hehehe. Sorry if that chapter wasn't as funny as the last—it was really a transistion scene, and I'm not good at those :( But I have a REALLY good idea for the next few chapters, I PROMISE!!!!!

Time for review responses! Sorry I'm so late on these, you all are wonderful and deserve these.

Deep-Ware: Glad I made you laugh. Hope chapter 4 made you laugh too!

Kayla: This story makes me laugh when I write it. Enjoy the rest of the story!

Sandybrown: I actually laugh while I'm writing this. That "stupid funny screwy" remark really cracked me up. And as for getting chapters up faster...I'll see what I can do!

Loony: Sure! No problem! Hmmm, I'll have to make "with a Potter on top" my newest saying. Thanks!

DiggaDigga: Ya, I'm lazy with reviews too. So no worries! I loved writing the "Ginny is not too young" joke—it was my favorite part of writing the first chapter. Oh, and good catch on naming Ron's pony. I was really trying to imitate that old TV show where the cowboy goes, "Higho, Silver! Away!" Technically I have not named Ron's pony yet, but good catch. And I totally agree, brown sugar is AWESOME. But I must inform you that I wrote this chapter under the influence of a Triple Chocolate Killer from Applebee's. Rock on, chocolate! And thanks for the review.

Shini the Graver: Muhahahhahah. I am crazy too!!!!! Thanks for the review

Grindylow: Lol, that's the point of this story! It shows what really happens in Harry Potter's world that J. K. Rowling chooses not to write about! There'll be a reference to this at the very end of the story. And thank you =)

LOTRfreak85: Thanks! I certainly will keep it up, I have plenty more ideas for this story...evil laugh

TheHyperFreek: Thanks so much!!!! Weeeee!!!! "I was born in a trashcan..." And you know how much I love making fun of the President. Hehehe, don't even get me started on him.

PrettyPink: insert insane Coca Cola lady commercial lady theme song I wish I could share...all the love...in my heart... Thanks! Lol, how many ways the McDonald's theme song can be used

HP-obsessed: Thank you! Random is my middle name, didn't you know? Seriously, though, I agree with you—a Ginny/Snape ship is just scary and disturbing...that's the point I'm trying to make here. Enjoy the rest of the story!

MoonGirlGinny: Omg, I laughed SO HARD when I read your ideas! They weren't exactly what I had in mind, but they were HILARIOUS!!! Please, forgive me for not using them, they were so awesome. Enjoy the rest of the story! And don't forget: hyperness is good. P.S. I might use your idea about Snape and the ring, however...thanks for mentioning it =)

What you think: That's ok, my parodies are not for everyone. Have a nice life!

Smudged: Ooooh, good names. You might be a bit surprised at what I pick for Ron's pony's name. Thanks for the review!

Sorry to Burst your Bubble: Ah, I see. Well, if you prefer to read something more intellectual, my excellent fanfiction crossing Snape and "It's a Wonderful Life" might suit your high class lifestyle more. I shall not terminate my parody, however, for I feel that my assembled audience is unable to comprehend your opulent lifestyle. Please forgive me if my vocabulary is much too low-class for your taste. Sorry if this review response hurt your feelings. I really don't mind flames, but yours made me laugh and roll my eyes. If this isn't a parody, what is?

Samara Morgan-ring: Glad you liked it =) Stay tuned for upcoming chapters!

Sophie: I think the best part about this is that it's so totally out of character. Thanks so much for the review!!!

CocoaQT15: No problem! Of course I will keep updating, I love writing this story! Thanks for the review.

Nicole: Lol, thanks. More coming soon!

Remus Lupin's Lover: Thanks! I am so happy I have won your approval. And yes, more chapters are on the way!

Gypsyfreak: Hehehe, ya I like that part too. Thanks!

HOLLYWOODblvd: Um, I hope you didn't have a hernia...could I get sued for that? Lol, jk, glad I made your day. More chapters on the way!

Smed6bc: Thanks, I will. I'm gonna post the next chapter as soon as I can

Ok, I'm FINALLY done the review responses! Serves me right, putting them off like that. Oh well. See ya soon!


	5. Dinner in Hogsmeade

A/N: Hi everyone! I LOVE this chapter personally, so enjoy it! I would like to correct a mistake I made in Chapter Two, where Ron says "Higho, Silver! Away!" I was really trying to make him copy a movie, when really Silver is not his pony's name. You'll find out what Ron named his pony, as well as many other things, in this chapter. Many thanks to my reviewer DiggaDigga for pointing this mistake out. Enjoy Chapter 5!

* * *

CHAPTER 5

DINNER IN HOGSMEADE

Hermione and Dumbledore found a table in the Three Broomsticks and ordered dinner for two.

"What's the special?" asked Dumbledore.

"Weasel Surprise," replied Madame Rosmerta, grinning evilly.

"Sounds great! We'll take two," cried Dumbledore.

"Ok." Madame Rosmerta hurried back to the kitchen to execute a plan of her own design.

Hermione and Dumbledore were both gazing at the polished table, amazed at the unique patterns in the wood. But when they heard a familiar voice, both of them looked up.

"Hermione! Dumbledore! What are you two doing here?"

It was Ginny, followed by Snape, who seemed to be a bit woozier than his usual dour self. "Mind if we join you guys?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do mind," replied Hermione. "Albie and I were just about to have a conversation on rubber bands."

"Ok," said Ginny. She and Snape sat themselves down at Hermione's table anyway. Hermione didn't seem to mind. She was still fascinated with the table.

"So, what did you two do this evening?" Dumbledore (aka Albie) asked Ginny and Snape.

"Well, first we went into the Slytherin Common Room to conduct a passionate making out session. Then, as the Slytherins began to pelt us with grapefruit, we moved our make out session to the Potions classroom. After that we moved it to the Great Hall, where everyone would see us. And then we decided to come get dinner here." (A/N: This originally was a chapter I planned, but it turned out to be extremely dull and not funny at all, except the part about the grapefruit. Oh well.)

"I see," said Dumbledore politely, who did not appear to have heard a word Ginny said but instead was folding and unfolding a paper clip over and over again. "Hermione," he said gravely, "I wonder how many times I could bend this paperclip before it breaks."

As Dumbledore and Hermione began a very serious discussion on paper clips and hippos, Ginny glued herself to Snape once more. Only this time I mean literally. Like she took out Superglue, squirted it on her lips, and pressed her lips to Snape's until the glue dried.

This had been going one for about 5 minutes when everyone heard someone they all knew.

"...and so he's lightning fast, I think, I saw this movie once where the cowboy went 'Higho, Silver! Away!' and that's where I got the idea to do that. Hey, did you know the American singer Michael Jackson scares people? He scares me. Do you know what he did? He did a bunch of bad stuff, and he dangled his baby over a railing! Barney says it's not nice to dangle babies over railings. But anyway Bella..."

Ron stopped his constant chatter abruptly as he saw the quartet at the table. "Dumbledore! Hermione! Ginny! Snape!" he cried, running over to them. "What are you guys doing here?"

Ginny and Snape could say nothing but "Eeeeorgus", while Hermione answered dreamily, "Studying paper clips. Won't you join us, Ron?"

"Ok!" said Ron happily. "Come on, Bella!" It was then that everybody noticed that trailing Ron was a medium sized chestnut colored pony, who neighed happily and sat down on the floor beside the chair Ron had just taken. Bellatrix took a seat next to Ron. Strangely enough, no one seemed the slightest bit alarmed that a Death Eater was sitting in the Three Broomsticks.

"What are you doing here anyway, Bella?" said Dumbledore, finally looking up from his paper clip. "After our love affair I thought you'd never show your face to me again."

"Fat chance," snarled Bellatrix. "Just a few hours ago, I handed Harry Potter over to the Dark Lord. Soon my lord will triumph over all!"

"And then she bought me a pony!" Ron chirped.

Bellatrix frowned. "It was a small price to pay for the Dark Lord's triumph," she said proudly. "Right now, I am sure that my lord is planning how he can best use his evil power..."

At that very moment, the Dark Lord himself walked into the pub. Several customers turned their heads and screamed horribly. "Lord Voldemort!" several people cried.

"Victor!" exclaimed Voldie, holding out his hands imploringly with a cheerful grin on his face. "My name is now Victor! I come to bring you all peace!"

Several customers fainted. One or two were scared to death. Meaning they actually died of being scared. Everyone else—except our heroes—ran out of the pub.

Bellatrix's jaw dropped. Dumbledore looked at Voldie mildly, and then went back to his paperclip. Hermione didn't even look up from the table. Ginny and Snape glanced around and their eyes grew wide, but they couldn't do a thing, considering they were glued together. Ron, on the other hand, waved cheerfully and said, "Hi Mr. Victor sir!"

"Hello, little boy! Would you like a lollipop?" "Victor" held out a selection for Ron to choose from.

"Mmmmm! Rum flavored, my favorite kind!" cried Ron, grabbing one.

Just then Captain Jack Sparrow randomly walked into the Three Broomsticks crying, "But why is the rum gone?" Everyone stared at him as he looked about wildly for rum.

"Can I help you?" said Madame Rosmerta evilly, coming out from behind the bar.

"RUM!!!!!" cried Jack Sparrow (A/N: "_Captain_ Jack Sparrow, if you please, Penguingirl266"). Madame Rosmerta grabbed a dozen tankards, filled them all with rum, and Sparrow spent the rest of his evening drinking away at the other end of the pub and remembering all the girls he had ever met. Our heroes went back to their own story.

"Master?" Bellatrix was stunned. "Are you...feeling ill?"

"Not at all, Bella!" cried Victor, still smiling perpetually. "I feel the best I've ever felt in my life! Here!" He grabbed a smiley face sticker out of his pocket and stuck it on the front of Bella's robes. "Bella, I have joined the Happy Smiley Cheerful Club! Its goal is to bring happiness to the world! And you should join too!"

Bella, disgusted, tore the sticker off her robes and crumpled it in her fist. Fortunately Victor did not see, or he would have started crying for sure.

"But, Master, where is Potter? Did you not curse him dead?" At least she would have this satisfaction, Bella thought.

"Well, no, Bella. You see, just as I was about to curse poor Harry to his death, I had a revelation! I figured that it is easier to be nice than to be mean, and so now I am trying to be the NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!!!!!" Victor screamed these last words, and everyone jumped.

"But what of Potter, Master? Is he dead?"

"Now, Bella, that isn't nice at all! I'm ashamed of you. No, I did not kill Harry, but after I proclaimed that I would be the nicest person in the world, he sort of...um...just froze up."

Bellatrix smirked. Even if her master had gone completely nutters, he had still taken care of Potter. "Nice work, Master," she replied, patting Victor on the back.

Ron, who had grown bored with all this talk, broke in suddenly. "Hey, Mr. Victor, do you have ponies at the Happy Smiley Cheerful Club?"

"We sure do," cried Victor. "What do you plan to name your pony?"

"Well, since he's chestnut colored, I think I'll name him...Blueberry," replied Ron. "Blueberry it is!"

As Ron and Victor began to talk about ponies, Bella glanced around the table to see what else was going on. Not much. Dumbledore was still folding and unfolding his paper clip, and Hermione was now tracing the wood patterns in the table with one finger. Snape and Ginny were still glued to each other, and they were taking advantage of it. In the midst of all this, Madame Rosmerta appeared, very evilly.

"What can I get y'all?" she asked evilly.

"I'll have a Scotch," said Bellatrix.

"Tonight only Weasel Surprise is served," replied Madame Rosmerta evilly. "Anything else?"

"Yes," said Bellatrix, irritated. "I'll have the Chicken Delight."

"One Weasel Surprise," said Madame Rosmerta evilly, jotting it down.

"No, no, no," said Bellatrix, about ready to explode. It was just not her day. "I don't want Weasel Surprise! Have you got anything else?"

"Weasel Surprise," said Madame Rosmerta evilly.

"Very well," sighed Bellatrix. "Weasel Surprises for everyone."

"Will do," said Madame Rosmerta evilly, taking down the orders. She disappeared into the kitchen.

Not much happened while Madame Rosmerta was back in the kitchen. Victor and Ron discussed the Happy Smiley Cheerful Club. Hermione gazed at the wood grains in the table, transfixed. Dumbledore's paperclip broke, so he got a new one out of his beard and began folding and unfolding it like he had the last one. Ginny and Snape couldn't stop making out—literally. Bellatrix sighed a lot. And Captain Jack Sparrow sighed, took another sip of rum, and said, "Savvy?"

Madame Rosmerta evilly crept up on our heroes' table. "Weasel Surprise!" she screamed evilly, jumping up and down in a weasel costume. "Surprise! Surprise!"

Victor and Ron jumped up and applauded, Blueberry the pony whinnied, Bellatrix looked extremely annoyed, and the other four didn't even look up. Madame Rosmerta evilly put aside her weasel costume and looked at them all. She suddenly spotted Professor Snape, evilly I might add.

"Oh, _hello_, Professor," she cooed evilly, ignoring Ginny and the Superglue. As you might have guessed by now (with all the hints J. K. R. has been dropping in the books), Madame Rosmerta was secretly, evilly in love with Professor Snape. But she got no further in her evil cooing when the Boy who Lived walked in, quite dazed.

"Did someone say weasels?" asked Harry. He took his place at the table next to Hermione, still looking dazed. Suddenly he went into a spastic fit.

"THE DERANGED WEASELS!!! THEY'RE AFTER US! THEY'LL POISON OUR BODIES AND SOULS!!" he screamed, twitching uncontrollably. Suddenly he was back to his normal self, but dazed.

"Weasels?" he said dreamily. Then he fell asleep.

"A double wedding!" cried Dumbledore suddenly, jumping from his chair. Apparently he had not even noticed Harry in his fascination with his paper clip. "Tomorrow—me and Hermione, plus Ginny and Snape! Oh, what a fine frolic it will be!"

"I'll come," said Madame Rosmerta evilly.

"To Hogwarts!" cried Dumbledore in a commanding voice, pointing at the door. "We must get ready for the double wedding! Come, my friends!"

And Dumbledore fled out the door, followed by Hermione (who was taking the table with her because she could not bear to part with its fascinating wood patterns), Ginny and Snape (who had to run sideways because they were literally glued together), Bellatrix (carrying Harry and mumbling to herself), Ron, Victor, and Blueberry.

Madame Rosmerta stood in shock, evilly speechless. Captain Jack Sparrow stared after them and then muttered, "It's the Pearl. MORE RUM!" he bellowed, banging one of his empty tankards on the table.

* * *

UP IN THE NEXT CHAPTER...

Could Harry find romance with one of the wedding guests?

How much did Snape _really_ pay for Ginny's ring?

Just how evil _is_ Madame Rosmerta?

Who is the new faculty member at Hogwarts who attacks people in the dead of night?

And last but certainly not least, who is the mysterious (and very scary) guest that no one invited at the double wedding?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN CHAPTER SIX OF "WHAT REALLY HAPPENS"!!!!

* * *

Hehehe. Well, I must say this, but I had SO MUCH FUN writing this chapter. Stay tuned for the next one.

No review responses to write, as I am publishing this chapter an hour and a half later than the previous one. Cya soon with Chapter 6!


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